I sit around the corner of my window, with sliding raindrops blurring the already clouded mirror of my emotions.
I struggle to stir the stilled sea of my emotions, trying to create a single ripple and yet there is nothing…no-t-hing.
As I watch the cars skid by, life continuing outside this frozen time frame that I am bound in, I feel a stir… a silent ripple forming.
Envy, is the first emotion that I encountered. I am envois of people smiling outside this blurry glass frame. I want to reach out to them, I want to join them in their smiles, and yet I am trapped. This glass is unbreakable and I am imprisoned with myself… within myself.
Hatred, the second emotions that surfaces on, the now raging see of my emotions, make me want to jump out and flip this world upside down and yet I am powerless. I don’t have the energy left to lash out at this selfish world so I just silently observe.
Pain is what follows next. Pain… something I longed to feel. I have fallen in love with the idea of a slow ache. I find my comfort in it, at least it is there to remind me that I am still alive.
Pain is what use to keep me going but lately this numbness has got too strong that even pain seems to be escaping me. Oh! How glad I am to feel this pain again. To feel my nerves sending messages to my aching body, yelling… whispering… you are Alive.
I am anxious now, anxious of what is about to come. Anxious to deal with this overflowing river of bundled up feelings, now that there is a crack in the bridge. I feel that it will soon overwhelm me, taking over me and yet I still welcome the feeling.
I welcome all the negative thoughts because I am sick of this dominating silence. I want to scream, I want to hate, I want to feel the rage, and I want to reach the limits of ecstasy because I cannot bear this stillness anymore. I need the change, rather I am craving it. Be it negative or positive, I desire to have it. To feel… to feel the feelings coursing across my body.
People often label these emotions as negative. But I ask, what counts as negative? Who defines this negative? Is negative what you count as Rage, Envy, Sadness, or is it Pain, sadness, fear of the known and anxiety of the unknown?
But I beg to differ… There is nothing negative about emotions rather the absence of emotions is what you should count as destructive. It is not the emotions that are harming but overwhelming feelings of those emotions is what you should be worried off. It is either the numbness or the ecstasy that is negative and I dwell with the former one.
These emotions that I am feeling right now aren’t negative, they are my assurance that I am still human, that I am still alive. They are there, to keep me company when I have no one else to talk to. They are my sanity check, my companion, someone whom I can rely one…someone that maybe, won’t abandon me. So I ask, do they count as negative for me, when they are the only reason that I feel Alive!