I Feel The Ripple Forming

I sit around the corner of my window, with sliding raindrops blurring the already clouded mirror of my emotions.

I struggle to stir the stilled sea of my emotions, trying to create a single ripple and yet there is nothing…no-t-hing.

As I watch the cars skid by, life continuing outside this frozen time frame that I am bound in, I feel a stir… a silent ripple forming.

Envy, is the first emotion that I encountered. I am envois of people smiling outside this blurry glass frame. I want to reach out to them, I want to join them in their smiles, and yet I am trapped. This glass is unbreakable and I am imprisoned with myself… within myself.

Hatred, the second emotions that surfaces on, the now raging see of my emotions, make me want to jump out and flip this world upside down and yet I am powerless. I don’t have the energy left to lash out at this selfish world so I just silently observe.

Pain is what follows next. Pain… something I longed to feel. I have fallen in love with the idea of a slow ache. I find my comfort in it, at least it is there to remind me that I am still alive.

Pain is what use to keep me going but lately this numbness has got too strong that even pain seems to be escaping me. Oh! How glad I am to feel this pain again. To feel my nerves sending messages to my aching body, yelling… whispering… you are Alive. 

I am anxious now, anxious of what is about to come. Anxious to deal with this overflowing river of bundled up feelings, now that there is a crack in the bridge. I feel that it will soon overwhelm me, taking over me and yet I still welcome the feeling.

I welcome all the negative thoughts because I am sick of this dominating silence. I want to scream, I want to hate, I want to feel the rage, and I want to reach the limits of ecstasy because I cannot bear this stillness anymore. I need the change, rather I am craving it. Be it negative or positive, I desire to have it. To feel… to feel the feelings coursing across my body.

People often label these emotions as negative. But I ask, what counts as negative? Who defines this negative? Is negative what you count as Rage, Envy, Sadness, or is it Pain, sadness, fear of the known and anxiety of the unknown?

But I beg to differ… There is nothing negative about emotions rather the absence of emotions is what you should count as destructive. It is not the emotions that are harming but overwhelming feelings of those emotions is what you should be worried off. It is either the numbness or the ecstasy that is negative and I dwell with the former one.

These emotions that I am feeling right now aren’t negative, they are my assurance that I am still human, that I am still alive. They are there, to keep me company when I have no one else to talk to. They are my sanity check, my companion, someone whom I can rely one…someone that maybe, won’t abandon me. So I ask, do they count as negative for me, when they are the only reason that I feel Alive!

One thought on “I Feel The Ripple Forming

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  1. Can’t you see there is, there has always been another planet inhabited by strange creatures who have other ways of living and feeling out of your patterns of what life and feelings do mean? Those who don’t care or had ever thought about what is being happy or being unhappy.
    he Little Prince, whatever people may do to reinterpret him, had the strongest feelings on the few things he cherished, loving them with no other reason but the way of his own heart. He was a loving spectator traveling and learning from what he met in his ‘visit’, but always worried with his rose .
    According to common concept of happiness he was happy knowing there is a rose and a sheep to take care of and learning the links created with those he ‘cativated’ .
    The fact is that concepts – for how much you turn them around to justify, understand and make them understood to the others – have never the same meaning to everyone but are just tools for communication.
    They are as irrelevant when you talk to someone who give them other content as they are when you shout them in hunger to the walls when your heart refuses what only has meaning to reason. And reason, like intelligence is, according Descartes, something God give to all human beings but only some dare to use.
    Concepts have nothing to do with feelings and if there is anything the times we are living in are making us to see clearly is that the world, the real world constructed adoc to such humanity , is that the world may go on well directed by concepts and what follows from their understanding .
    Feelings is what media try to exacerbate and use when they bring to our knowledge crimes going on inside families and institutions. And you feel ‘something’ because they run out of the concept. Understanding follows indignation because they do no more touch our feelings, the feelings we were thought and supposed to express one way or the other.
    There are no words for the most important things that are the essence of life. You may use them, you may and ought to believe them because there is no thermometer to scientifically prove them. But you intensively feel in you heart!
    Christ, so they say and I believe, only teach love by loving. Not a written word, not a close concept. Just going on through life making His best to love those whose ways of living he does not like and combat till being killed by his insistence or rebellion.
    You may say whatever about his love for his parents and friends, and the rude words whose meaning was supposed to hurt those he blame for the harm they cause to their neighbours, but the meaning of his life is in SILENCE.
    Though being a mathematicien, no one expressed better this incapacity we avoid to accept than Wittigenstein. We refuse to accept this because it is established we ought to communicate intensively to create communities, cultures and civilizations.
    What do we know about other creatures feelings even when we use ours to compare? We ‘feel’ love or pain in the eyes of a cat, a dog or a horse but it is our feeling not theirs.
    God is the only One we know for sure we love because we are free to love Him or not. God is not the compulsory idea others put in our head and forced we to love.
    God is the Truth we are created of and ought to be our guide.


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